Dear Claire,

Damn, girl. Dan and I were just walking through the park, on our way to boozy brunch, and I saw you. You were in a playground, pushing your kid on a swing, and you looked so happy and carefree. Like you couldn’t imagine anything better in the whole wide world. And I just wanted to say – what the shit happened to you?

You had on no makeup. Not even eyebrows. Claire, you know you aren’t allowed to leave the house without brows ever since the “white Whoopi Goldberg” comment. And where was your mascara? When I first looked over, I thought, ‘hey look, there’s short, blond Tilda Swinton who also has the flu’. But it was you. Fresh-faced is great, but not at the expense of looking like an actual human adult. Your hair was a little lighter, and you had it in a cute topknot. I was impressed with that until I realized that it had probably been in that same cute topknot for a more than a day or two. For the love of all that is aesthetically pleasing, refresh your topknot regularly, you cretin!

Now, onto the biggest sin of all: your outfit. The individual pieces were fine – I happened to be wearing that top today as well – but the outfit looked like a giant pile of hot garbage on a New Orleans street the day after Mardi Gras because there was no styling. No half-tucks, or rolled hems, or strategically placed accessories. You didn’t even bother to slouch your jeans down every 5 minutes, and I KNOW you know they look better slouched down. Your boat shoes were your saving grace until I got closer and read the label – Sketchers Go-Walk?!? Hey, you know what influencers never say? “Orthopedic is the new black!” I mean, please – at least go get some Converse so everyone knows you have friends in Brooklyn. Those shoes say ‘friends in Secaucus’ at best.

If I wasn’t disappointed enough, you strolled on over to a vending machine and bought – wait for it – a motherfucking diet coke. A. DIET. COKE. Claire, you drink the classic, regular Coke, served cold and in a can with a straw, and you pretend you’re starring in a soda commercial when you drink it. Don’t you remember that? Did you forget you weren’t a newspaper comic character geared towards 90’s housewife stereotypes? You weren’t eating anything at the time, but if I find out that your freezer is stocked with off-brand ice cream sandwiches and Lean Cuisines, I’m killing us both.

Now, it’s possible I’m being too hard on you. Maybe it was an off day, and you’ll be back to the Claire everyone knows and loves and adores and emulates in no time. If that’s the case, then the next time I see you, I will be admiring my future rather than writing a scathing blog post around it. But come to think of it, Dan still looked great. And the baby was cute and dressed well. And since you’re a mom now and therefore stuck in the house all day, I bet you have all the time in the world to keep yourself presentable. So, all signs point to no excuses – that is just the way you are now. Ugh. I guess you have the last laugh, future Claire. Because FML.

Do you still go for your thrice-weekly pedicure at least??

Love Regards,

Claire When She Was Cool