My son turned one year old a few days, so naturally we had an EPIC RAGER!!! Jeez Louise, uptight fellow parents, take the sticks out of your tushies. I’m just kidding, it wasn’t an epic rager.

‘Twas only LEGENDARY! SEE WHAT I DID THERE?????

Anyway, despite my efforts to ensure he grows up as less of a privileged brat than his parents were, Harry still got a pretty good haul of presents, most of which wrapped in the most delightful – and apparently mouthwatering – tissue paper (his next morning diaper contents looked like a poorly executed Pinterest project). But among the adorable outfits and colorful bath toys, Harry found his absolute favorite present. A gag gift* book entitled “A is for Activist”, which he has begged us to read to him at least 923 times in the last 72 hours. Naturally, we used this as teachable moments and refused, telling him loudly and publicly (for maximum teach) to read it himself, goddammit.

*Side note – I don’t believe my friend intended for it to be a gag gift, but it’s fun to treat it like one and watch her head explode.

Now, I don’t mind the general message in “A is for Activist” – it encourages standing up for your beliefs and practicing empathy, and all that other hippy-dippy shit I should probably instill in him at some point in time (maybe after I finish gelling his hair into the perfect coif, because priorities). But Harry currently has the social conscience of a Post-It Note, so his love of this book is proof that babies are simply less-adorable dogs and will enjoy any reading materials provided the colors and patterns are pleasing and the words are read in singsong. Therefore, I would like to present my ideas for future children’s books. These are original ideas, and if I catch anyone trying to claim them as their own, I will likely call Child Protective Services, because this is a satirical blog which should never be taken seriously, you monster.

Children’s Book Ideas

Unicorns Aren’t Real, but Two-Headed Poisonous Snakes Are! Facts About Nature

Jack and Daniel’s Fanciful Kentucky Adventure

Chester Cheeto and the Big Orange Stain (this one will obviously be sponsored – gotta get them mad stacks)

Don’t Touch Mommy’s Daiquiri and Other Life Lessons

You Juice: A Look at All the Wonderful Liquids Your Body Makes

How Many Wine Glasses: An Interactive Counting Book

Little Lucy and the Great Big Office Supply Store

Kindergarten: What to Expect and How Not to F*ck Up the Rest of Your Life

The Big Book of Stereotypes: Racial, Gender, and Beyond!

The Librarian and the Stripper (spoiler alert on the plot twist: THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON)

Daddy’s Boss is an Impotent Loser, and Other Things Not to Say

 

So there you go – all my ideas for the books that will shape the minds of our future generations. Fuck, I’m exhausted from being so creative and parental. Creatively parental. OMG. I just created a new parenting style! GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY, EDUCATED PROFESSIONALS, I’MMA BE RICH AND ON BETTER BLOGS!!!!