ladylike nonsense

for ladies – hoes, skanks, and basic bitches also welcome…



i’m not judgemental, but i do judge mentals (a quote taken from nicole ritchie’s 2005 classic “the truth about diamonds”)

When people without children ask me how my little guy is doing, I usually respond by telling them he’s an asshole. 99% of the time, they are delighted with my candor, having steeled themselves for a long-winded poem about my... Continue Reading →

why can’t all food be kraft macaroni and cheese?

You know the difference between a cook and a chef? No? Me neither, because cooking’s for nerds. But I guess I already started this blog post, so I’m going to go ask my husband. Stay right here and don’t touch... Continue Reading →

how to look your best (note: does not involve wearing spanx)

I started the year sick with a stomach bug. Unfortunate timing, I can hear you thinking sympathetically. Except those of you who are thinking it sarcastically. Well, thanks - and I mean that sincerely for the former and equally as... Continue Reading →

makeup tips for dummies – a request, not a contribution

I’ve never been a big makeup person. I mean, I wear it but I don’t really know how to work it well. Mama and several dedicated carnies throughout my childhood taught me that painting your face turned you into a... Continue Reading →

a study of maternal duality (alternative title: yo, this bish cray)

I’m having a great moment. I feel like a bomb-ass mom – I’ve finished the laundry, done the shopping for the week, packed for my business trip, took my son and the dog out to the park for some fresh... Continue Reading →

submitted for the approval of the midnight society

I know you all think I’m this amazing, fearless, wonder woman with a can-do attitude and an ass that won’t quit, but I have a confession. I’m about to admit something on the internet that nobody should know. It’s shocking.... Continue Reading →

a letter to my former self from my current self (who’s clapping the f*ck back)

Dear Claire, For crying out loud, I forgot how salty you were. You think I didn’t see you making your way through the park, clearly on your way to a boozy meal with what will probably be very little nutritional... Continue Reading →

the pale girl’s guide to the beach

Hey, you. I see you. I know you. I am you. You’re the pale girl on the beach. No, don’t get embarrassed! It’s ok! I would tell you not to be so paranoid, but we’re on the beaches of New... Continue Reading →

a letter to my current self from my former self (who’s kind of a real b*tch)

Dear Claire, Damn, girl. Dan and I were just walking through the park, on our way to boozy brunch, and I saw you. You were in a playground, pushing your kid on a swing, and you looked so happy and... Continue Reading →

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