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ladylike nonsense

for ladies – hoes, skanks, and basic bitches also welcome…

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humor

i’m not judgemental, but i do judge mentals (a quote taken from nicole ritchie’s 2005 classic “the truth about diamonds”)

When people without children ask me how my little guy is doing, I usually respond by telling them he’s an asshole. 99% of the time, they are delighted with my candor, having steeled themselves for a long-winded poem about my... Continue Reading →

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why can’t all food be kraft macaroni and cheese?

You know the difference between a cook and a chef? No? Me neither, because cooking’s for nerds. But I guess I already started this blog post, so I’m going to go ask my husband. Stay right here and don’t touch... Continue Reading →

how to look your best (note: does not involve wearing spanx)

I started the year sick with a stomach bug. Unfortunate timing, I can hear you thinking sympathetically. Except those of you who are thinking it sarcastically. Well, thanks - and I mean that sincerely for the former and equally as... Continue Reading →

a study of maternal duality (alternative title: yo, this bish cray)

I’m having a great moment. I feel like a bomb-ass mom – I’ve finished the laundry, done the shopping for the week, packed for my business trip, took my son and the dog out to the park for some fresh... Continue Reading →

submitted for the approval of the midnight society

I know you all think I’m this amazing, fearless, wonder woman with a can-do attitude and an ass that won’t quit, but I have a confession. I’m about to admit something on the internet that nobody should know. It’s shocking.... Continue Reading →

a letter to my former self from my current self (who’s clapping the f*ck back)

Dear Claire, For crying out loud, I forgot how salty you were. You think I didn’t see you making your way through the park, clearly on your way to a boozy meal with what will probably be very little nutritional... Continue Reading →

the pale girl’s guide to the beach

Hey, you. I see you. I know you. I am you. You’re the pale girl on the beach. No, don’t get embarrassed! It’s ok! I would tell you not to be so paranoid, but we’re on the beaches of New... Continue Reading →

a letter to my current self from my former self (who’s kind of a real b*tch)

Dear Claire, Damn, girl. Dan and I were just walking through the park, on our way to boozy brunch, and I saw you. You were in a playground, pushing your kid on a swing, and you looked so happy and... Continue Reading →

baby books are basically instagram

My son turned one year old a few days, so naturally we had an EPIC RAGER!!! Jeez Louise, uptight fellow parents, take the sticks out of your tushies. I’m just kidding, it wasn’t an epic rager. ‘Twas only LEGENDARY! SEE... Continue Reading →

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