I know you all think I’m this amazing, fearless, wonder woman with a can-do attitude and an ass that won’t quit, but I have a confession. I’m about to admit something on the internet that nobody should know. It’s shocking. It’s embarrassing. It’s shameful. Nevertheless, here I go: I am afraid of the dark.

I don’t mean that I need a nightlight in the bathroom or that I don’t like to drive after sunset. Nope, folks, I am terrified of being in the dark for even a second. Not when I’m going to sleep. Not when I’m hiding from someone. Not even when I’m having a fat day and the mirror is being a real B. I absolutely cannot stand to be in the dark.

Of course, this brings multiple complications in my day-to-day life. For example, I have to fall asleep before my husband, so he can turn off the hall light, the television in our room, and the iPad (which I use to play ASMR videos to fall asleep. I’m only a little ashamed of that one). Seeing as though he is a normal adult, he does not require them as a sleep aid and in fact, actively dislikes trying to fall asleep in a half-lit room with QVC on mute and a soothing but random cranial nerve exam roleplay blaring from the tablet. That being said, we’ve been together over a decade and we’ve learned ways to manage my fear of the dark and his desire to sleep in it. I go to bed before he does, and he shuts all that shit down when I’m good and asleep. As another example, he has flashlights stashed all over our house – in the event that our power goes out at night, he knows I will be catatonic until a light is brought to me, so it’s best to have several within reach at all times. He also understands that if I’m in the storage attic and he playfully shuts off the lights, that’s grounds for an immediate divorce and he will forfeit all of the fun shit we own to me. Like I said, we make it work.

But, you guys, I’m running into a problem with managing this little personality quirk now that we have a tiny version of ourselves running around, playing with the hundreds of flashlights in our house. You see, all of the baby sleep experts recommend that for maximum sleepage (definitely a word – don’t look it up, just trust me and use it liberally), we parents keep the lights low when putting him to bed and during any other required trips into his room at night. This recommendation is simple, logical, and backed by science. Unfortunately, it’s in direct and fierce opposition to my instincts, which are screaming at me to flip on a light, any light, quick, before a Babadook gets me!

How am I supposed to be the strong, good-example-setting adult when I’m acting like a scared, first-time camper with a bed-wetting issue? I don’t want to pass this fear along to my kid, but I also really don’t want to fucking tangle with a fucking Babadook. There’s plenty of things I do well, but after 33 years of Netflix and chilling with myself, I know for sure that being in the dark is not one of them. So, I got creative AF and my thought is this: is there any chance Hollywood could come up with a superhero who is afraid of the dark but also hella badass? It would also help me best align myself with this superhero if he/she also had a can-do attitude and an ass that won’t quit. I’m thinking Wonder Woman meets all of the X Men, mixed with whoever the fuck Scarlett Johansson plays in the Avengers movies, with a dash of Beatrix Kiddo, but also he/she’s afraid of the dark. But I’m not picky.

Okay, Hollywood, get cracking on this shit. We only have a short while until my son starts realizing that things are things, and I want this character to be both established and celebrated by that time. That way, when he finally clocks that Mommy never wins at hide and seek, I can just wear a Veronica Supersonic costume and he’ll think I’m more “paid assassin” than “blatant coward”. That’s better, right?

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