I started the year sick with a stomach bug. Unfortunate timing, I can hear you thinking sympathetically. Except those of you who are thinking it sarcastically. Well, thanks – and I mean that sincerely for the former and equally as sarcastically for the latter. Bunch of great friends I have (same two tones as the last statement). Glad you like my blo- no, Claire, stop getting carried away with your own brilliant passive aggressive duality. They don’t deserve it. (OMG, I mean that two ways too!!!)

What was I going on about earlier? Oh yes, the stomach bug. I’m not crazy about the, you know… unpleasantness. But it’s also given me a bit of time to think, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m being punished for A) forgetting my vitamins these past 19 months and B) not doing enough to help my fellow man. I’ve put a lot of thought into fixing both of these problems, so today I took 10 times the recommended dose of ginko biloba, and I’ve also decided to help all of you lovely people look your best in 2018. For I, dear ones, have found the key to truly maximizing your own beauty. I’ve selfishly hid it all of these years, hoarding the precious information for my own use and, quite frankly, rampant abuse. But I’m ready to share it with all of you as an act of goodwill (and hopefully so I can avoid any more… unpleasantness). So here we go.

Here it is.

The key to being your most gorgeous self.

Right now.

You know, before I go on, I do want to mention that I’m speaking of outer beauty only. While it’s way more important to be lovely on the inside, I can’t really teach that without a degree in something that seems awfully time consuming and not particularly profitable. Plus, in case you couldn’t extrapolate this conclusion from my previous sentence, I’m much better at being shallow than I am at anything else. *Please note that just because I’m aware of this shortcoming doesn’t mean I’m too concerned with fixing it. I mean, it’s January 3rd, and I’m doing this blog post charity thing, plus I lost those last 5 pounds this morning, so I’m pretty ahead of the game. Let’s not get overambitious.

Ok, great. So now that we’ve covered my bases, we can proceed with the information sharing. That’s what we are here to do, right? Right. Right.

Gonna tell you now. Here we go:

The secret to being the most beautiful you is… aviator sunglasses. That’s it. Just pop on a pair and go get laid or win ANTM or whatever else you want to do with your best outer self. Don’t believe me? Didn’t think you would, so let’s do a quick demonstration. Go and get a pair of aviator sunglasses right this minute. Run to your sunglasses wardrobe or your sunglasses vault or, if need be, the sunglasses wardrobe and/or vault of a friend and/or neighbor, and bring a pair back. No, it doesn’t matter what size they are – as long as they aren’t from the novelty store or custom made for Andre the Giant, my point will stand. Got one? Fucking finally.

Now go to your mirror and look at yourself. Really take in your face and its lines and pores and colors and textures. Take a mental picture and a deep breath. Now, put on the aviator sunglasses and look again. Yup. Uh-huh. Dead ass sexy. How did Jared Leto (yes, he works for both sexes) get into your mirror? Go ahead, hottie hotcakes, take this new look for a spin outside? Did you see that guy/girl checking you out? He/she totally was! Too bad he/she isn’t wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses, or he/she might be on your level and worth pursuing! Now go forth, my shaded blossoms, and spread the word in this glorious new year. We all want to make the world a more beautiful place – let’s do it one Ray-Ban at a time! Go, go quickly – it’s important to spread the love, plus I think it might be time for more… unpleasantness.