You know the difference between a cook and a chef? No? Me neither, because cooking’s for nerds. But I guess I already started this blog post, so I’m going to go ask my husband. Stay right here and don’t touch anything.

Ok, I’m back and I’ve been insulted. Apparently, a cook can follow a recipe to perfection, and a chef can create dishes of their own invention. Both are only good if the dishes they make are delicious. Also apparently, neither one is me. Whatever, Dan, just make sure my dinner is hot and ready at 8:00pm sharp, and EASY ON THE FRESH VEGETABLES.

I, dear ones, am what is commonly referred to as a “culinary Armageddon”, which seems harsh. I mean, you substitute peanut butter for sautéed spinach once, and you’re immediately compared to the end of days? I guess I’m too adherent to the rules to be a chef, and I’m too absentminded to be a cook. I have a set number of dishes that I can make, and approximately 99% of them involve pan-frying and/or call for various Campbell’s soups as flavoring agents, and 100% of them are direct causes of crummies in one’s tummies (Dr. Seuss reference – this post has everything.) (THAT WAS A BLUES BROTHERS REFERENCE!) So, as an act of charity to help my fellow un-Chopped beings, I’ve compiled a list of cooking terms that make no GD sense, and I’ve assigned my own definitions to each. Don’t bother to correct me, just make me a grilled cheese sandwich and move along, geek.

Caramalize – Melt some Twix into that shit, but remember to pick out the cookie bits later.

Reduce in pan – Eat a little of what’s in the pan, regardless of the ingredients or their state of readiness.

Julienne – Get that bitch in here to do it for you.

Tenderize – Play “Butterfly Kisses” really loud in your kitchen.

Blanch – Stop cooking and watch some Golden Girls. Take your time, the food will be fine on its own.

Shock the pasta – Tell it that he was dead the whole time.

Sweat the vegetables – Ask them for that money they owe you. It’s been long enough, and you’ve got your eye on that ankle cream that just went on sale at Sephora.

Mesclun – No one knows what this means. Move along.

Raclette – French word for “ratchet.” Avoid.

Al Dente – that guy that your mom claims you used to go to high school with. You know, Al. Al! You remember Al, you guys had calculus together. Remember? Al?

Drizzle – street term for “drip”. OMG THAT ONE IS KIND OF RIGHT!!

A pinch – several whole fistfuls

Skim the gravy – throw oyster crackers on top of it like rocks at a pond. Remember to flick your wrist. Best if done with a loving grandfather and/or childhood friend.

Au Jus – How dare you, some of my BEST FRIENDS au Jus.

I feel good about this, you guys. But I have to go now, because Dan’s finished cooking my dinner. MIC DROP FOR BOTH TIMING AND MARRIAGE!

Advertisements