This might (and by ‘might’ I mean, ‘definitely will’) make me sound like an asshole, but I love cashmere. It’s so soft and it looks so luxe and you can wear it with jeans and look more après ski than gotta run to Target and maybe I’ll get Starbucks and where the fuck is my phone and OMG I love that new Snapchat filter it makes me look like a goat. It’s a tactile delight that should be revered and celebrated by all sentient beings. Did you know that my kid hates – no, abhors – cashmere? Five months old, and he already has a very firm opinion on my knitwear drug of choice: that it fucking sucks. Oh, you’re wearing a cashmere sweater? Great, lemme hock up some bodily fluids no more than seventeen seconds after I’m placed in your arms. Saliva, vomit, urine, earwax – whatever is handy at the moment. This baby has spent his entire life so far around soft things: playing with soft things, snuggling up against soft things, being wrestled into wearing soft things. And for some stupid baby reason, he simply cannot bear cashmere, the softest of the soft things. I can’t figure out why it disgusts him so (well, to be honest, I haven’t tried all that hard. Because he’s a baby, and I was busy watching Becker on DVD).
But, dear friends, cashmere isn’t his only bugaboo. No, no – he has a wide range of luxury-based arch enemies, all of whom either dirty easily, or cost a lot of money, or cannot be replaced, or all of the above. Sadly for my wardrobe (and general sense of adulthood), I have learned of these intense feelings through experience. It would have been way more convenient and way less costly if the baby had simply learned English and explained to me his intense negative feelings like a respectable human with dignity and common decency, but whatever. I’m over it. God.
Anywho, I took an inventory of my extravagant casualties, and I’ve tried to translate my child’s specific reactions to each into actual people words. It wasn’t easy – he’s not very good at charades either. But as with most things in my life, I think I’ve nailed it. NAILED IT!
- Cashmere – “Fuck this and the sheep it came from.”
- Gold watch – “That looks fun, I’mma put it in my mouth.”
- Leather pants – “Aha, Pampers must have received my letter. Finally, a diaper in slimming black.”
- Pearl earring – “That looks fun, I’mma put it in my mouth.”
- Silk blouse – “It’s nice that you tried to look pretty and professional for your meeting – I’mma smile at you. Don’t mind the formula that’s dripping out.”
- Stiletto heels – “That looks fun, I’mma put it in my mouth.”
- Lace skirt – “You knew better than to wear this around me. C’mon.”
- My husband’s vintage cuff links – “That looks fun, I’mma put it in my mouth.”
- Diamond necklace – “…So then he said, ‘no way, that won’t hold your weight’, so’s then I said, ‘of course it will, you asshole, and I’ll prove it’…”
- My wedding ring – “That looks fun, I’mma put it in my mouth.”
- Chiffon evening gown – “You know what this dress is missing? My urine.”
- Your wedding ring – “That looks fun, I’mma put it in my mouth.”
- Fur scarf – “I don’t know what this is, but I am positive I need to keep licking it.”
- Anything with beading – “THAT LOOKS SO FUN, I’MMA PUT ALL THEM THINGS IN MY MOUTH!”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that the contents of my baby’s stomach is worth way more than the contents of your baby’s stomach. NOW WHO’S THE ASSHOLE?????*
*Still me, because of the cashmere thing and also because I let my kid swallow shit.
**You guys know I don’t really let my kid swallow shit, right?
***You know what, I don’t care if you do think that – if you didn’t understand this was satire, then you’re a dick.
****I’m sorry I called you a dick, you guys.
*****Hey, do you guys want to set up a Secret Santa this year? I think it would be really fun, and it might help us move past the whole dick thing.
******FINE. BUT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON A REALLY FUN HOLIDAY TRADITION.
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