Hello Claire,

I’m writing to you in the hopes that you can tell me what to do about my wife. She and I have a great marriage! We are happy together, we support each other, and I’m proud to call her my wife. However, there is one thing about her that I just can’t get used to – she dresses super slutty. She has a good body, but she just doesn’t know when she needs to tone it down. Her dresses are all tight, her skirts are all short, and her shirts are all low-cut. It was fine when we were younger, but it’s starting to bother me. She wore a crop top to my grandfather’s funeral! What can I do to make her dress more ladylike without hurting her feelings or damaging our otherwise perfect relationship?

Concerned & Conservative Husband

Cons-Cons-Hus,

While I understand your uneasiness with your wife’s less-is-more approach to personal apparel, I think you are forgetting one key point. Your wife is a strong, confident, independent woman (Question! Oh, what a gleeful Destiny’s Child reference!), and she deserves to dress however she wants to! That is without question (except from Beyonce), a perfect example of the kind of women’s rights that Susan B. Anthony fought to protect! If your wife wants to dress like a part-time prostitute, then who are you to tell her not to? You don’t control her, or her comically small, lycra-based micro-garments. However, you came to me for help, not judgement or catchy tune lyrics, so help I will give you! Do you take your wife out to dinner? Of course you do, you charming devil! Have you heard of Pavlov’s dogs? I don’t know why I even asked, you probably wrote your eighth grade thesis on the topic! Fabulous – now, we are ready to get subconscious on your wife’s ass.* When date night rolls around, wait to decide on the restaurant until she gets ready. If she’s all tube tops and whale tails, take her to an appropriately “casual” place. Fast food joints and greasy spoons are great options. If she happens to choose a more conservative outfit, reward her with a fancier eatery, possibly with table-based servers.** I think you know where I’m going with this! Do this for several months and/or years, depending on how quickly her lady brain adjusts to your stealthy mind moves. If after a while, these subtle messages still haven’t affected her day-to-day thinking, then feel free to use this tactic in other ways. For instance, when she’s dressed inappropriately, tell her the dinner she just cooked*** was terrible (even if it wasn’t, wink!). If she’s a bit more covered up, tell her it was the very best dinner you’ve ever had (even if it wasn’t, second wink!). Use this for as long or as much as you need to for her adorably feminine mind waves to adjust, and there you have it! Church clothes won’t just be for Sundays in your household (last wink)!

May the force be with you, my precious prim pumpernickel!

Cordially, Claire

*What a horrible thing to suggest about your wife, apologies

**Please adjust according to her tastes – she may very well prefer fast food joints and greasy spoons, though if that is the case, one might wonder why on Earth you married her

***Of course she cooks, what else would she do with her time and energy? I say that as a feminist, you know.