Is there any place better than HomeGoods? What’s that you say? Public parks and hiking trails? Get out of here, you dirty hippie – go encapsulate a placenta or something. Anyway, back to HomeGoods. Need a plaster bull’s head for your living room? Boom, HomeGoods. Want a very breakable ceramic orange table-like-thing for your kid’s bedroom? Terrible idea, but also – HomeGoods. Have a craving for a festive Easter wreath made out of mass-produced but also repurposed pastel fabric scraps? HOMEGOODS, you Christian dummy! Each individual HomeGoods is its own special brand of magic. You never know what you’re going to find, yes of course. But more importantly, you never know what you’re going to want. I have a theory that HomeGoods stores are actually alive and target each individual’s particular taste or desires, both known and subconscious. For instance, did you know that I really love whimsical storage ottomans and German chocolate cake-scented pillar candles? Neither did I until I started patronizing HomeGoods. Now, I have a delicious-smelling home and tons of places to prop my feet up/store my healthy supply of pillar candles and pillar candle holders.

Are you thinking that you have no interest in convenient and attractive home storage or pastry-based alternative light sources? You clearly have terrible taste and absolutely no moxie, but never fear, my friend. HomeGoods has something for you. I don’t know what, maybe a kicky pencil box or a multicolored selection of neon frying pans. Who knows with you, you’re a wild card. My point is that HomeGoods will seek out your deepest inner wants and needs and will present them in just enough of a limited quantity that you need to buy them right now, before that lady over there gets them!

You’re shaking your head at me. You’re preaching fiscal responsibility and giving me a cautionary fable that encourages saving and discourages blowing money on crystal beaded shower curtains. Well, first of all – shut up, nobody likes you. Second of all, that’s the other magic of HomeGoods. Somehow, it knows exactly how much money you’d be willing to spend on its merchandise. Smaller stuff like spatulas and individual glassware are so cheap that it would be stupid not to buy them. Bigger items like rugs and furniture are somehow magically priced just a tiny bit above your established budget. Not enough to disregard the piece in question (because you loooooove it and you have so many places to puuuuuuuuut it), but enough that the store manager is thisclose to saving up enough for that deluxe above ground pool she’s always wanted.

Now, I don’t have a clue how HomeGoods does what it does. It’s either legitimate witchcraft or some kind of targeted nano technology marketing that I don’t really feel comfortable talking about, lest I anger the HomeGoods faction of the NSA. But if you ever have five to twelve hours to kill and at least $1.75 to spend, head over to a HomeGoods*. You absolutely won’t regret it. On second thought, don’t go. You’ll end up writing articles about it in your own blog, and isn’t that just a little bit pathetic? Also, I don’t want you to buy up all the storage ottomans. I still have room in my house for at least three more, and I need more places to store my pillar candles. This may have gotten out of hand.

*Also, go to Pier 1. I don’t like it enough to write a full article on it, but my mother-in-law works for them and I don’t want to get in trouble. Especially with my birthday coming up and all.

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