Hi Claire,

I am in a bit of an awkward situation, I hope you can help me. I went out with my friend a few days ago, and she had way too much to drink. I got her into my car and started to drive her home, and she puked right in the back seat! It took me an hour to scrub out the stains, and I still had to get the interior detailed because of the smell. Every time I bring it up, she just laughs about it like it’s a joke, but I want her to pay for the detailing and apologize. How can I make this happen?

Thanks,

Barfed-on Bestie

Dearest Barfed-on,

Ah, the sweet symphony of youth – the bars, the drinks, the dancing, the mild sexual carrying’s-on in the men’s bathroom. I myself have spent plenty a magical evening bellied up to bar of my favorite watering hole (or to its afore-mentioned men’s room, wink), and I too have been dreadfully overserved by an eager-to-please barkeep on more than one occasion. Mike’s Hard Caramel Apple Raspberry Lemonade is a fickle mistress, yes?

But enough about me, let’s talk about vomit! Tell me, bestie, on a scale of one to Gallagher, how funny was it when your friend upchucked in your vehicle? I’m picturing smeared lipstick, copious amounts of spitting (both dry and wet), and nonsensical sentences sporadically interrupted by mall fountain-worthy explosions of acid and partially digested mozzarella sticks. In other words, Carrot Top hilarious. Am I on the right track? OF COURSE I AM! I assume you are funny, charismatic and totally at ease speaking in front of large audiences, b-o-b? OF COURSE YOU ARE! To begin, take some time and observe your friend in social settings. Does she have any glaring personal mannerisms? A recognizable accent? An affinity for using a particular word or phrase (bonus points if she is using it incorrectly)? She does? Excellent! Take these observations and practice them in your mirror. If you are not a natural mimic, this may take some time and energy and possibly some light professional coaching, but it is crucial that you master them before exacting the rest of this plan. Once you have truly nailed her persona, find an open mic night at a local comedy club, and invite your friend and all of her friends and all of their friends to attend. Truly seek out her network – grandparents, work supervisors, ex-boyfriends with their new, better-looking girlfriends. Encourage all to attend with the promise of free semi-alcoholic beverages and bottomless curly fries (who could resist – besides, of course you don’t actually have to deliver, second wink). Once the club is packed with your bestie’s nearest, her dearest, and other, surprise everyone by taking the stage yourself! Get into your well-practiced character and slowly, painstakingly reenact the entire experience above. Smudge your makeup, stumble around like a newborn giraffe in high heels (adorable!), and recite Donald Trump’s presidential campaign speeches interspersed with quotes from The Real World: San Diego, but most of all, just have fun. As you dry heave into your delighted bestie’s lap, basking in the glow of the audience’s thrilled belly laughs, add an element of realism to your hilarious portrayal. Pack a can of Brunswick stew in the pocket of your costume, and right at the peak of the crowd’s helpless hysteria, spray the delicious treat all over your friend and her most expensive belongings. Voila! Not only will you have exacted revenge in a classy way that you friend and her loved ones are guaranteed to appreciate, but you have just begun a long and successful career in stand-up comedy. Quit your job, get yourself an agent, and follow your dreams, Bestie!

If laughter is the best medicine, your fans can just call you the doctor of delight!

Cordially, Claire