Would you guys call me an old Republican man if I told you that I’m suspicious of automatic bill payment programs? Yes, you absolutely would? Godammit, then go read that Julia Child blog and leave me alone. That seems like something a judgmental butthead like you would do. What’s that you say? That Julia Child blog happened back in 2003 and no one cares now? Well, fuck. I don’t know what to tell you. Write your own blog about your made-up gluten sensitivities and your transgender crossdressers and your infatuation with superfoods.

Ok, now I really do sound like an old Republican man. I’m sorry, guys.

Now that that’s over and done with and the healing can begin, let me explain. I like knowing that something is done, and the best way to do that is to do it yourself. Granted, this makes me an awful delegator, but who cares. Not you! I’m not delegating shit to you! Mostly because I don’t know you, but also because I don’t trust you. And if I don’t trust you, a human who is actively reading my blog, then I really don’t trust a computer program that promises to pay my bills for me. I mean, what if it doesn’t? What if there’s a bug and my car payment isn’t made and the Hyundai bill collectors call me and I’m embarrassed? They’re going to be polite and say something that gives me the benefit of the doubt, like “I’m sure this is just an oversight,” or “Perhaps you’ve experienced a stitch in the space-time continuum,” but I know what they’re thinking. They’re thinking I’m a bum who doesn’t pay my bills. And if I try to tell them that the payment was supposed to be made automatically, they’ll either be thinking I’m a bum who doesn’t pay my bills and lies about it, or that I’m too incompetent to set up a simple automatic bill-pay. Something you do once and never have to do again. Something babies can do.

Now, mind you, this only applies to bills that I actively pay. My husband uses automatic online bill pay for almost everything, and it doesn’t bother me at all. If there’s an issue, the debtors are calling him, not me. I don’t have to stumble through the awkwardness, he does. Mind you, his awkwardness is markedly less awkward than my awkwardness, but that’s the reason I’m married him, I guess. To handle awkward encounters with markedly less awkwardness than I would – not NO awkwardness, but markedly less. It may seem to you like that’s not much of a foundation for our relationship to rest on, but you’re wrong. Again. AGAINST ALL ODDS, RIGHT, BABY?!

This has turned into a Valentine’s love letter to my husband, which is the opposite of something an old Republican man would do, so that makes me feel a little better. But please note that when the machines rise up, don’t expect the matrix to continue paying your bills – we as a society will not only be forced into human internment camps, but our credit scores will all be in the toilet, and then how will we ever get that small business loan from our computer overlords? We won’t, is the answer. #ThanksObama.*

*Back to sounding like an old Republican man – this post has gone FULL CIRCLE! EXCELLENT WRITING, CLAIRE!