I am writing you with a very serious problem, and I truly hope you can help me. My 17 year old son just came out to me. That’s not the problem, the problem is that our family is tends to be homophobic, and they might not react well to his coming out. I want him to be who he is, but I don’t want him to lose his relationship with our family. Please help me manage this situation!
Dear sweet Mamamo,
Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Isn’t this a Kosher dill pickle? On the one hand, gay guys are super duper fun! They drink delicious, juicy cocktails, and they know about interior design, and they have firm opinions on hair color. On the other hand, your family sounds… AMAZING. I can see where this is a multi-colored, glitter-covered conundrum of the highest order! But then, you already knew that, you Mom-o, and that’s why you’ve come to me, the Gay Whisperer. Well never fear, my little brussels sprout, I yet again have the solution, and it comes in several steps. The first step is to truly let your son know that you love and support him. You can do this by going down to your nearest drug store, purchasing large amounts of sparkly eye shadow and heavy duty foundation. Present this to him as an offering of acceptance and unconditional love. He will adore you and likely be impressed by your knowledge of the interests of absolutely all gay men. Next, you should encourage him to try on your high heels and perhaps take your Spanx for a spin down the old thighway (see what I did there? I AM JUST TOO MUCH!). Once he has fully acclimated into the gay lifestyle – and I cannot stress enough that this applies to literally every homosexual man on the planet – you can move on to the second step. Bring your slimmed and bedazzled son to the next family gathering, the bigger the better! Give him a grand, majestic entrance, preferably to a classic 70’s disco ballad, and let your family members feast their eyes on his shimmering gayness. Then, and this part is key, announce to everyone that you did this on purpose. You see, my succulent sprout, your family’s rampant homophobia is likely sourced from their fear of catching homosexuality – a valid concern, as there is no known vaccine. By presenting your son so grandly, you are putting their minds at ease that the gay was a product of your parenting skills, and not a contagious affliction that can be passed from cheek to unshaven cheek. Unless they take the same steps you did to create your ‘mo, they are 100% guaranteed to avoid gayness in their own offspring. And there you have it, Mama! Your son is free to be his floral-scented self, your family can enjoy his sassy, snap-filled zingers without fear of being zinged themselves, and you, my little roasted sprout, can enjoy the enviable company of Mr. Johnny Weir. Because every gay person knows every other gay person – SCIENCE!
Let me know what your boy thinks about Kim Kardashian’s dog’s new lip gloss color – I hear it’s revolutionary!