Hey, you. I know you. You used to read Vogue. You used to refresh your wardrobe at least quarterly. You used to get inspired by street style. But now? Now you read Sandra Boynton board books, and refreshing your wardrobe refers to actually folding, hanging, and putting away your clean laundry (though the quarterly timeline still applies). When you walk down the street, you ignore your fellow pedestrians and concentrate mostly on keeping the tiny humans in your care from playing surprise games of street chicken with oncoming traffic. And as for your clothes, well – you’ve worn the same pair of leggings for 18 days straight, and the closest you’ve come to wearing formal shoes in the past two years is when your kid spilled glitter on your sneakers. What happened, you? You used to ROCK THAT SHIT. Now you’re just rocking – wait, is that actually shit???  And now the leaves are turning, and there’s a nip in the air, and that bitch down the street won’t quit it with the chimenea. Fall is the BEST time for a fashion overhaul, even if your wardrobe has become mostly Hanes with a little Costco tossed in. So, my dear former fashionistas, below is a breakdown of all of the hot, hip, bitchin’ trends of the season, along with some helpful hints on how to incorporate them smoothly into your current #momlife. We’ll start with something easy:

Boyfriend jeans – The best part about this look is that you probably already have everything you need at your disposal! Most of us have a pair of fat jeans (for days when you just feel bloated, maybe because you ate four tacos and five donuts and some leftover mac and cheese and washed it all down with a forty ounce Diet Coke – because, calories). Even if you don’t, raid a nearby dude’s closet – any dude will do! Your husband, your brother, your neighbor who cuts his own hair, your coworker who gives the finger guns all the time, that guy right there eating a hotdog. Make sure the jeans are almost falling down, and wear a closer fitting shirt with them. Extra points if they have natural weathering and/or whimsical paint splatters. Can be worn with flats or heel. Cannot be worn with baggy sweatshirts, lest you look like me in seventh grade.

Bomber jackets – An excellent pairing for your boyfriend jeans! Here’s the trick – make sure the jacket is almost comically small on you. Now, I say ALMOST comically small, because we don’t want a Tommy Boy situation (kids, google that now). But if the jacket is too big, you might as well be me in seventh grade again, and THAT WAS HARD ON EVERYONE INVOLVED. Do not wear with leggings or you will look like a Pink Lady (kids, google that too). If your kid pukes on the jacket, cover the stain up with a jaunty girl scout patch or two. If your kid then pukes on the patches, seriously, take him to the doctor, I think there’s something wrong.

Jumpsuits – You probably don’t already have a jumpsuit in your closet, but if you do, major points! They don’t count for anything, and I’m not keeping score at all, but points regardless! And yes, jumpsuits do seem scary. But think about it this way: you dress your babies in onsies all the time. They are convenient and adorable and you only have one item to wash per diaper blowout. Well, and here’s where I blow your mind, jumpsuits are just sophisticated, adult-size onsies! Try to get one that comes up and down easily for bathroom breaks, throw on some flats and a teething necklace, and for crying out loud, I said “jumpsuit” and not “catsuit”. If the jumpsuit broadcasts if you have an innie or an outtie (belly button OR nipples), it’s too tight. Warning – if you have a straight man in your life, he will hate this look. He will find your jumpsuit neither adorable nor convenient. Prepare yourself.

Cropped tops – Get out. Get out right now.

Pattern mixing – Here’s a top secret: no one actually knows how to do this. I don’t even think it’s even something people actively try to do. I think some designer just got super high one night and no one really wants to admit they don’t get it, so it just became a thing. So with that in mind, if you find yourself out in public wearing a plaid shirt and a different kind of plaid bottom, just throw your bomber jacket over it and tell everyone how much you enjoy pattern mixing. Literally no one will be able to call you on that, because literally no one knows how to actually do it. But pajamas don’t count – not even tasteful accessories and/or unwavering confidence can transform mismatched pajamas into a “look”. Just own your not-giving-a-shit that day – the only people who won’t relate or understand are either not worth your worry or they are me in seventh grade (and I think by now you’ve gotten that I was the fucking worst in seventh grade).

Ok, you. Now that you have the tips and tricks to rock out in Fall’s bests trends (yeah, Fall… of 2012. SELF BURN!!!), go forth and flourish! Emerge from the summertime cocoon of jersey dresses and free giveaway tee shirts as the stylish, avant garde butterfly you were always meant to be! Or don’t at all. I don’t really care, wear whatever is clean enough and fits. Hey, who else like, loves wine and like, hates putting the kids to bed? BONDING!