Unless you are an Emily Dickinson-esque hermit or you just awoke from a 30 year coma and this is the first time you’ve ever been on that internet (welcome back, by the way – your family probably missed you, or maybe they moved on a long time ago), chances are you are a member of Facebook. It doesn’t matter if you check it every 19 seconds to make sure you don’t miss the AMAZING VIDEO OF A GUY FALLING OUT OF TREE, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, or if you only log on once a year to respond to the birthday well-wishers who think you’re ignoring them, there are five distinct friends that will always pop up in your feed with a heaping helping of what-the-fuck. And you can’t unfriend them – because then you would have less friends, duh.
The Lead in Every Romantic Comedy – This statement may make me sound sexist (hahaha, “might”), but these waxy poetics are almost always female. They are the ones that post every day about how “blessed” they feel to have their significant other in their life. They will thank the Lord that this prince/princess somehow found their way to her, as if Jesus himself hopped down to Earth to make sure these two wound up drunk and horny at the same bar on the same night! (PRAISE HIM!) But no one will ever, ever understand how amazing the love of the poster’s life is, and how this person touches her heart and her soul (and her body, with a winky face and #OMG). And God help you if the poor bastard decides to propose – this girl will orgasm frenzied romantic prose right onto her computer and directly into the eye canal (this is real, yes?) of all of her Facebook friends. You will know within 30 seconds of her carefully-rehearsed, tear-choked “yes” that she is to become a wife. And somehow, she will shove her ring into your face through the gosh-darn computer screen, because everyone knows that that the size of the ring is directly proportional to how in love the couple is, unless it’s small, because then MONEY DOESN’T MATTER, ONLY LOVE MATTERS, you materialistic monster.
This person may be a great friend in all other ways, but don’t bother trying to tell her about your relationships – unless it’s bad news, in which case she’ll be totes sympathetic and you can always help her shop for her bridal panties to get your mind off of things.
The Patriot – Every American (fuck yeah) has the right to free speech, and every person has the right to their opinion. But this particular friend has the right to ALL of the opinions. He or she will post regularly about terrible tragedies going on in other countries or expose horrific inequalities right in our own American (fuck yeah) backyards, and you will feel terribly guilty that you a) didn’t already know about this, maybe you should get a subscription to the Wall Street Journal, nah that costs money, maybe just read cnn.com regularly, oh my god cnn.com says Mila Kunis is pregnant again, yaaaaaay, and b) that you just threw away two inches of the five dollar foot-long you got for lunch. Shame on you, you wasteful, ignorant American (fuck yeah?).
This friend will post article after article, pausing only to ‘respond’ to politicians’ quotes with an air of derisive familiarity. He or she will make sarcastic retorts, followed by “right, George?” or “eh, John?”, as if they have a standing date for a friendly but competitive racquetball game with these political figures. No matter what his/her beliefs, this person will treat anyone who does not agree with him/her 100% with disdain and will suggest that any dissenters ‘educate’ themselves. Because his/her four hours of googling the topic is way better than the other person’s four hours of googling the topic. Somehow.
Unless this friend’s posts truly offend you, it’s best not to respond. And unless they are just posting to further their own political agenda, there is plenty of worth in putting the social spotlight on problems both here and abroad – take action when a particular issue strikes you. Otherwise, just buy a pair of Tom’s or something, and then watch his/her head explode trying to tell you why THAT’S NOT REALLY FUCKING HELPING!!!!
The Parent – There is something wonderful about being able to share your news and life events with the world at the click of the button. Then, there are the ass-heads who not only take advantage of this ability, but fuck it on the reg without a condom or a dental dam or even a short but invaluable mosquito bite scan (because, Zika – terrible joke, I’m already sorry). I’m talking about you, young parents. Now, truth be told, most Facebookers who adamantly agree with this complaint are not yet parents. And when they are, chances are they will have that same burning desire to shoot Facebook up Philip Semour Hoffman-style with pictures and videos of their kids (let me already apologize for that joke too – he was really good in Along Came Polly and we all miss him terribly). But for right now, they and most of the rest of us do not understand AT ALL what possesses these parents to not only record each and every movement and bodily function of their child, but to share it with all of their friends and acquaintances and the girl they met at the karaoke bar who likes volleyball and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit too (we all kind of know that girl, we all kind of ARE that girl – Benson and Stabler 4 eva’). They do not find videos of your child sitting, pooping, making non-discernable sounds interesting. Do you, poster? Really? A good rule of thumb when deciding whether or not to post a video of your child doing something is to imagine said child as a dog. If it’s impressive that the dog does it (dancing, singing, making excellent speeches), then go ahead and share it with the world. If it’s something a dog might do regularly without fanfare (sitting, pooping, making non-discernable sounds), then fuck you for taking that video and how dare you even consider posting it. “HA”, we can hear this poster saying as he or she microwaves chicken nuggets and Spaghettios, “what about cute pictures? The dog thing doesn’t work with cute pictures!” Well of course it does, you dumb s of a b. No one on Earth with a soul and (or?) a camera phone dislikes dog pictures – that shit is the blood in our collective human veins. But if we saw 573,290 pictures of the same cute dog in one day, we might start to really hate that dog, no matter how big its eyes are. The same goes with your kids, dear parent poster. Don’t make everyone hate your kids, they just came into the world.
The Foodie – first off, that word is stupid and I feel stupid using it. But there is literally no better-sounding, more image-provoking word for this friend. No one ever posts a picture on Facebook of shameful, unhealthy food that they intend to gobble down with nary a napkin or any self-respect in sight, much like you would never post a picture on Facebook of that terrible person you had a one night stand with at your brother’s Labor Day barbeque (that’s what Instagram is for). However, this friend takes it a step further. First off, no meal is left undocumented – especially if they made it themselves. They will tell you each and every ingredient in the dish, and exactly how it was prepared. If they ordered it at a restaurant, they will add the place of business and the chef’s name if possible. The restaurant with either be a five star mecca of culinary impressiveness, or it will be a homey, authentic dive restaurant that no one knows about but them. Shh, don’t tell… if word gets out, they’ll still go there but they’ll constantly order off menu because they’re regulars.
Second, they will make sure to point out the healthy qualities of the dish to, you know, enhance the deliciousness? They will use phrases like “farm to table”, and everything will be heirloom, organic, artisanal, aged, or conflict-free. On weekday mornings, they will post pictures of their green juice of the day – on weekends they will snap shots of the breakfast enchilada they made with heirloom tomatoes, organic kale, artisanal cheeses, aged balsamic vinegar, and conflict-free eggs. That sounds disgusting, don’t make it.
The point is not to provoke any kind of action on your part – just know that their body is a temple and they only allow the BEST and HEALTHIEST that Whole Foods has to offer into it. So go ahead and eat that Kraft mac n’ cheese. I’m sure that’s farm to table – chemical farm to preservative table, BOOM!
The Self-Paparazzi – You know when you are out, having a great time with friends, and you suddenly see a flash in your periph? And you wildly swing around for the offender, just to find him/her sitting right next do you with their iPhone camera reversed, finger guns outstretched, and a smile on their stupid, dumb face? They aren’t doing that to capture a special moment with some special people. They want all of Facebook to know that they were somewhere having fun and looking good. And the next day, you will certainly find 567 photos posted on your wall, mostly of the paparazzo flexing and simpering into the lens as you desperately try to tongue-scrape the last little bit of your lime jello shot from its tiny cup in the background. Selfie-hounds simply cannot resist posting their own image all the fuck over Facebook, meaning that your feed is chockfull of duck faces and angry/sexy stares (nothing is sexier than a tank top and a blank expression).
Sure, they’ll take breaks to insist how special and loyal their friends/family/co-workers are – they might even post some pictures of said friends/family/co-workers, but only if the poster looks better than everyone else and preferably these pictures will come from a party or event celebrating the poster herself (birthday/graduation/vaginal rejuvenation). Hey, friend, obsess over your own image in the privacy of your home, like the rest of us do. It’s okay to have severe narcissistic tendencies, but your friends are too busy un-tagging themselves to really appreciate how toned you think your calves are.