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Dear Claire,

I am a new(ish) mother of a beautiful two year-old girl, and I have never been happier! My daughter loves to go to the park, and normally I love to take her! But lately, there has been another mother hanging out at the park that has completely put me off of it. She also has a two year-old daughter, and our kids love to play with each other – the only problem is that I hate her. She is so judgmental and critical of my parenting skills that I always leave feeling sad and inadequate. Intellectually, I know I am doing a good job, but she is so vocally negative that it makes me doubt myself and I find myself discouraging my daughter from playing with hers. How do I ignore her so that our kids can remain friends?

Thanks,

The Mad Mom of Montgomery

Oh Mmm,

I feel for you, my lovely linguine with clam sauce! I’m told that parenting is a thankless job. Of course, I wouldn’t know. I despise most children ferociously, what with their sticky fingers and generally poor motor skills. Never trust a person who cannot peel their own oranges, that’s my motto! I mean, I have my own child, but he’s quite advanced. At five months, he has already started his own accounting blog and has been accepted into all of the Ivy League schools. But he is miles above the average, which likely includes your little nugget. So let’s make the best of your depressing existence, yes? This mom, is she articulate and well-read? Able to substantiate her parenting opinions with hard, long-sought research? If so, then why on Earth aren’t you listening to her? Would you ignore a learned doctor? A lifelong mechanic? A Korean nail technician? BUT – if she’s not (benefit of the doubt and all), then I would suspect her judgmental sound bites come from a place of untested theories, unsound logic, and angry Game of Thrones fan fiction – the internet. Well, my lil’ linguine, there’s your weapon! Anybody can read on the internet, but more importantly, anybody can write on the internet as well. Look at me and my incredibly, incredibly gifted child!

So, here’s the plan – you simply need to create a parenting website that pooh-pooh’s her parenting tactics while supporting your own! For instance, you could write that “studies show throwing small pieces of gravel at young children help them become immune to AIDS.” Boom! Clap! She can no longer ask you to stop throwing rocks at the kids, for fear of being labeled pro-juvenile AIDS!

Now, you will need to think of some clever website names – I would offer to help with that, but you recall how regular children (or “normies” as we call them) revile me so violently. I say ‘names’ because there will need to be multiple websites advocating your mothering ideas. You will also need to hire a web designer, maybe two (lest you be betrayed by consistent styling tendencies) to give your sites a professional appearance. You will also have to write several hundred filler articles and amass a large following of devoted readers to legitimize your sites. This will, of course, draw attention to you and your content, so it’s best to button yourself up with scientific justification. Throw some rocks at some kids (at least 100 to ensure a well-represented sample population) and then test them for AIDS. If at least 51% of the tested children do not have AIDS, there you go! Science! You will want to repeat these tests several times over for each of your suggested parenting tactics, but once you have – instant comebacks to use on your daughter’s best friend’s well-meaning mother!

Good luck, Mmm! Please do not send pictures of your disgusting children!

Cordially, Claire