Dear Claire,

I work for a small, close-knit company and my boss invited all of his employees, including me, to her wedding coming up this summer. None of my colleagues have shown any interest in buying a joint gift – what do I get her??

Sincerely,

Giftless in Greensboro

Dearest Giftless,

The resolution to do your dillemna is a simple one, lauded by urban poets and traditional husbands for centuries – there is nothing a woman likes more than an extravagant present. Now this may make me sound sexist (I jest – it definitely will!), but find me a woman that doesn’t swoon over an unnecessary luxury good, and I will show you an unwashed bohemian who probably doesn’t go to church. You wouldn’t work for such a radical, would you Giftless? Of course not – if you did, you’d probably be paid in feng shui and carbon footprints. Therefore, my analysis concludes that your boss absolutely, without question desires nothing more than unaffordable opulence. Here’s my advice – find the most expensive item on her registry. Buy it. Then buy a car and give both to your boss at the wedding. For maximum generosity impact, present them to her right smack in the middle of her ceremony. Not only will she appreciate the grandness of your gesture, you will ensure your shady colleagues will be shown right the fudge up, leaving you firmly at the top of her list of best employees no matter your work ethic or level of competency. There are literally no flaws in this plan.

The best of luck to you and your boss, my little employed pumpkin!

Cordially, Claire